the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
