i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize