My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
