You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize