I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
