I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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