yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
