this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
