Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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