Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
