I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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