in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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