I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
