I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
