I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
