Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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