There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
