Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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