i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
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