I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
