Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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