my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
