we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
