Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
