I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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