Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
