i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
