I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
