dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
