Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
now i know why i became what i already was.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
