First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
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