know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
