I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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