A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize