No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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