as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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