Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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