i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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