WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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