Do you still have your period?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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