he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
