I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
