What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
