I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
