I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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