....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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