I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
