I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize