I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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