Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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