He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
