I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
